It has been months since I blogged and I apologize to all my loyal readers. My problem is simply finding the right words to express myself. Let me try to explain.
The house is done! Its gorgeous, perhaps more than we might have expected. Yes, there are some problems; uncaring cabinet maker, sloppy painter, things like that but we'll make everything work out. Now we have to make the commitment to move to Raymond and we want to do so.
Most of my weight is back and it is a disappointment to myself that I have to start once more.
Our special, once in a long time trip to Hawaii with all our children was incredibly wonderful. We have memories for ever. She who adores me and I had a great 2nd week, enjoying each other's company, reading, exploring and most of all visiting with one another.
All of this however, is overshadowed by our overwhelming sense of futility as we try to understand the suffering of little Clare. As you all remember, Clare came into this world having suffered a severe stroke in the days immediately prior to her birth. She fought so hard to stay with us and continues to make every day a battle. Week in and week out, she proves how much of a fighter she is. I wish you could share her most incredible disposition. She smiles and giggles whenever she gets attention.
In spite of the poking, prodding, unfriendly interruptions by a host of helping medical people, Clare has kept up the good fight. For the past many months, she has had a chronic pneumonia, that seems to set her back all the time. As we speak, she is full of tubes, hoses and monitors at the Children's Hospital here in Calgary. She has been there for 12 of the last 13 days. They tried to send her home once but, after only a few hours, Mom and Dad rushed her back at 3:00 in the morning.
When they attempted to put some I.V. lines in the other day, they must have bruised her in 7 different spots. Her struggling little lungs needs extra O2, that is, more than just the canula in her nose and her brave little Momma sits holding a tube that blows a little more oxygen at her. Yesterday they kinked the hose that is inserted, not just into her little tummy, but actually into bowels to provide maximum nourishment. She squirms when anyone wearing a stethoscope around their neck comes into view.
I went and visited her yesterday and thought she was asleep as she was unmoving, laying on her back but as I looked a little closer, I could see her little eyes follow my moves. She just didn't have the energy to let me know that she was awake. As I pressed my hand, gently on her little forehead, I couldn't help but ask, "why her?". Through all of this, I cannot describe the agony of very, loving parents, sweet siblings, who want their Mommy to sleep at home.
My intentions are to post and I always want to find humor and good situations but tonight, my thoughts and tears are with our sweet, little Clare. Thank you for excusing my absence.
2 comments:
My heart just aches for little lady Clare and her family. I sometimes have to wonder why myself. I suppose that someday we'll receive the full answer and I know it will be a good one. Even if it's just the fact that she needed to go to a home where she would be loved and taken care of and she definitely went to one of the best! Thanks for your thoughts Stan. I've definitely missed you in the blogging world!
Spencer and I really struggle with the why. We can't think of one single way that it can be of benefit to Clare. We can only think that, because she is such an amazing, loving, selfless person, she must have been willing to go through this for all of us. So we can learn and grow. It is an agonizing price to pay for her and for all of us who love her, but it is the only reason that I have been able to see. Even that is quite hard to accept some days.
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